Best places to retire (with snakes)

Many of you considering retirement will choose to stay where you are and “age in place.” I say go for it, if you can! We had no ties to our previous community and needed to move to a more affordable housing market. To help us decide where to live after retirement, I created a spreadsheet with 21 columns, and we factored in everything from air quality and healthcare to walkability and distance to Whole Foods. We did not account for snakes.

The possibility of encountering snakes came as a complete surprise when we were welcomed by our representative at the homeowner’s association. Oh, just one thing, she confided, in the spring you might see a rattlesnake in your garage! At first, I thought she meant there was one rattlesnake that occasionally gets out and visits the neighbors, perhaps someone’s pet with a name. Oh, be sure to watch out for Mr. Slithers! She meant rattlesnakes, plural.

I was calm until a few days later in October, which is not in the spring, and I saw a snake in the garage. Actually seeing a snake squirming around our garage was more of a surprise than hearing one might live next door.

Once I saw the snake, I ever so slowly retreated and made my way back into the house. I said Dale, um, there’s a snake in the garage. He’s all manly and says, oh, let’s just go see what all the fuss is about. He grabs a broom and starts looking but doesn’t see it. All of the sudden, I said, there! For the record, I did not scream. It was the kind of “there” you say when you’re right and he is wrong.

Dale suddenly sees the snake and screams. But after a moment, he remembers feeling manly, so he said, oh, it’s just a little garden snake. I’m like, are you sure? It’s not a rattler? No, he said, and he gingerly used the broom to shew Mr. Slithers out into the driveway.

After that, I avoided the garage. Seriously, I didn’t need anything out there anyway. I Googled rattlesnakes, so I would know exactly what they look like. I also read up on what to do if you encounter a snake of any variety and what to do if a snake bites you. Don’t cut yourself and suck out the blood. Do get to the hospital right away, because you will probably live.

I kept all this to myself, but then the damn broke on the way to the grocery store. I get in the car, and it’s like truth serum. I said, you know, we probably made a mistake buying this house.

What? Are you smoking crack? It’s great! We love it here!

But that was before I knew we lived in snake country.

We do not live in snake country.

Snake country! How did we not know? The thing is, I’m over it already. Now it’s our little joke. And we love it here, we love our home, we love the community. I was not going to let snakes ruin my retirement – do you hear that snakes? You don’t own me! To be fair, it has been quiet since that first siting. I mean, here it is January, and I haven’t seen another one.

Probably resting up for spring.

In the meantime, here are the 21 columns: