Expectations and cupcakes

With lots of hobbies and interests, I figured I was immune from the threat of losing my sense of identity in retirement. I’ve read this is common among men, but as a career woman, I suppose I’m equally at risk.

While it’s true I’m not bored, and I don’t miss the job or the stressful lifestyle, I do feel a sense of loss. Much as I like the writing of Brené Brown, who says we are enough simply by being, I’m never enough. I’m having a hard time letting go of the idea my life is only as good as my achievements.

I sometimes lack confidence, but I make up for it (or compensate for it?) with deep internal drive. One could argue I have a lot of baggage to unpack, but I like to put a positive spin on my shortcomings. My drive is the fuel that keeps me going when others run out of gas.

The writer Edna Ferber said, “Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.” I’ve wondered if that philosophy can apply to the loss of identity in retirement. Should I just chill out, enjoy what time is left and start the slow slide into the great unknown?

Probably not. I do not believe I’ve reached my full human potential, and part of me says never surrender. But another part of me is open to the idea maybe you have to give up who you thought you were to become who you are supposed to be. Maybe retirement was the only thing that could push me out of my comfort zone and into a future that is beyond anything I dreamed of.

Whew, kind of deep, but I think about shit like this when I am supposed to be sleeping. I’m not sure where I will land, but I suspect balance is a good thing to strive for in retirement … I do want to appreciate my perseverance and be all I can be, but I also want to enjoy the gift of life with no strings attached.

Although I feel under-accomplished, if I really think about it, I’ve done a lot in my life. Overcame a slow start in childhood and served in the Armed Forces, married for love and still at it 40 years later, graduated from college, earned a good living using my skills and talents, lost 60 pounds and kept it off, survived cancer twice and retired at age 62 with enough savings to live modestly without working again.

Make a list, and you’ll see you are more accomplished than you think.

I’m just entering my second year of retirement. The first year was a period of adjustment with no alarm clock and the joy of being free from all the crap that goes on in the workplace. This year I want to focus more on my transition to Donna 2.0.

In Donna 2.0, I see my tenacity as a good thing, my superpower, that can help me live a long and healthy life. But I’m not going to let it fill me with illusions about what it means to be successful. Maybe I’ll just take that word out of my vocabulary and use my superpower to liberate me from my own expectations, to do what feels good and see what happens.

Starting today! No lists, no goals. Just cupcakes.

12 thoughts on “Expectations and cupcakes”

  1. I’m not sure how to respond to this. I’m afraid it would have to be lengthy. It is very deep and thought provoking. I think maybe you are one lucky “bastard” (excuse me for the phrase) And I say this because you have that inner drive. I think I have some of it too. However I can see the results of someone that needs it but doesn’t have it.

    As they say in the South, bless you.

    1. Maybe the trick is turning whatever we have into a good thing. Something for us to ponder.

  2. I’m naturally a putterrer. I enjoy retirement but have many days when I feel like I haven’t done “enough” or “had accomplishments”. I have this journal type deal that I take with me every day to make notes to myself, to write down what someone said, to sketch something or whatever. All in the same book. Every day I promise myself that I will exercise, pray, do one thing for me and one for somebody else. When I go to bed at night, I write down my accomplishments as such, and at the end of the week I go back and look. The accomplishments cannot be I cooked dinner and walked the dog. It’s amazing how many times I think I haven’t done a darned thing when at the end of the day I look and see things like finished a scarf, wrote blog post, or things that are bigger or smaller.

    My personal challenge is that I feel like there should be this big, large goal or long term project I should be working on, be it creative or otherwise, and damned if I’ve found it yet. Sigh.

    1. Thank you for sharing that, Barbara. I’m with you on the personal challenge — I also want to do something big, but I think I’m trying too hard to find it. I’m going to focus on the little things for awhile.

  3. The post and responses make me think about being “enough”. Why do we have to have great expectations and goals and list accomplishments? There’s something special about getting through the day-to-day without the need to post everything on social media for the approval of others. Most days are filled with the “mundane”. Loretta Lynn said, “Just trying to matter,” when asked how she approached life. I really believe that being present and mindful turns the everyday life into something special. It’s so subjective.

    1. Hi Mona — yes to all you said. I’m trying to get over that need for great expectations. Being mindful in everyday life ought to be enough.

  4. Love this post, your feelings I so relate to. I just retired a month ago. I am enjoying it mostly. But do have some unease and restlessness that is keeping me awake at night. I feel lucky to explore and learn more about myself any why I feel these things and whether that will evolve.

    1. Hi Nawm — we are indeed lucky that we can take the time to figure this out. It’s a gift!

  5. I was laid off four months ago at age 60. While I’ve been enjoying the time off I also feel the need to accomplish more and that I have more to offer. I have over 40 years in the workforce, an MBA, and multiple certifications. I’ve had the privilege of working for some topnotch organizations, too, but frankly I’m tired. I’m tired of having my time belong to someone else and being gone from my home and beloved pets for 10 hours a day. I wish I could figure out a way to do something part time or remotely that would fulfill me and earn a little extra cash. After all, supposedly we’re all living longer and I don’t have 30 years’ worth of savings to sustain me into old age. Your post expresses exactly some of the feelings I’ve been having. Maybe the answer is to enjoy the little things, be grateful for the opportunity for self fulfillment, and trust the process.

    1. Hi Donna — love seeing someone else with my name. I always joke they don’t make Donna’s anymore. I’m sorry you were laid off. That sucks. This is hard, but I’m hopeful we can figure it out. We want to accomplish more, but we don’t want to trade our time for money anymore. I made a list today of things I like the most: cooking, walking, golfing, reading and writing. I’m just going to focus on that for awhile. Thank you for writing!

  6. Wow, this really hits home. Is it just us women or do men feel the same way? Michael seems to have adjusted just fine to retirement but I’ve been having a really hard time with it. I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that the little things do count as accomplishments. They are important. When I first started this retirement journey, there was so much I wanted to do. Five years later, I’ve narrowed it down to what I feel is really important to me. Blogging, my craft, staying healthy and enjoying what I have. Life is much easier now that I don’t expect so much of myself. I no longer make lists or set my clock. I’ve learned to go where the day takes me and I always have a plan “B”.

    1. Judith — thank you so much for sharing your experience. I love hearing that life is easier now that you don’t expect so much of yourself. That’s where I’m headed, I hope.

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