Is there a point in life when you can no longer stand being told what to do? Is resisting authority and relishing freedom a byproduct of retirement or aging? I mention this because it turns out my husband, Dale, does not appreciate my handy lifestyle tips. Personally, I’m more annoyed with Fitbit, which is much too bossy for my taste.
Neither one of us likes to be criticized. Who does? However, I do have more time on my hands these days, and I can’t help but notice things. But it was not until I broke up with my Fitbit that I noticed something about handy lifestyle tips and marriage.
Who needs couples therapy when you have a Fitbit?
The break-up went down like this. I took it off – the Fitbit – I’m like screw you, Fitbit. You don’t own me. You don’t appreciate how busy I am, and you give me weird tan lines. I’ll walk bare-wristed. I’ll walk when I choose. I’m a free agent. Got that? I don’t need your fake incentives and dire warnings.
- You walked the length of your intestine!
- Your Flex battery level is low! Are you OK?
- Goal not met. You suck.
- Your Flex battery level is low again. Use it or lose it!
But then … oh, wait, what’s that over there? I won the Nile badge with 4,132 lifetime miles? Well, thank you, thank you very much. Why, yes, I am pretty amazing. What if I had worn it everyday like you advised? What badge would I earn then? #becauseiwantthefuckingbadge.
Despite my fiery electrocutions about freedom and resistance, it appears I am programmed for an incentive-based life. Tell me there’s a prize involved, and I’m your girl. Maybe it works with husbands, too?
My first thought was to create a system of rewards for Dale. The Artist badge for successfully parking inside the lines. The Counterintelligence badge for wiping down the granite. The Blue Lagoon badge for cleaning the toilets.
The problem isn’t that he doesn’t already do these things. The problem is I feel compelled to suggest he do these things on a regular basis and in a timelier fashion – just as I would! But yes, I see it, I’m starting to sound like the Fitbit. Pretty soon I will buzz when he loads the dishwasher. Keep it up! You’re in range and on point!
As for incentives, I’m pretty sure a simple thanks, I love you, will suffice.
I’m going to work harder at keeping my mouth shut, especially when he’s driving and in the wrong turn lane. That gets ugly fast. We’ll call it the Zip It badge, because a good marriage is a lot like Twitter – one day you wake up and realize not everything needs to be said.
Meanwhile, I’m back to being bossed around by the Fitbit. The Earth badge is only 7,992 miles, and I learned in Fitbit couples therapy we all like a little positive reinforcement now and again.
Enjoyed the read. I’ve actually thought about buying one of those devices but I think I’ll pass now. I did send your article on to a friend that I thought would enjoy it. She swears by her fitbit. Then again she also swears at it. Have a great day and keep stepping.
This is a great post! It made me laugh. It also makes me question (again) whether I need one of those fancy doo-hickies. I too am incentive driven. I too will soon be looking at much more free time on my hands.
Hi Nawm — Thanks for visiting. I’m eager to check out your blog! As soon as I wrote that post, my doo-hickie started misbehaving. Won’t hold a charge. So now I’m trying to decide if I’ll go back to being tetherless or upgrade to a new device. As for time, I can’t believe how busy I am in retirement– and that’s just stuff I do — no grandkids or anything like that. It’s great.