We had a fantastic time tent camping in the Sierra Mountains, but the trip was almost ruined by bears – the human one I’m married to, as well as the big furry ones that walk on four legs. Both had a part to play during this perilous trip into the woods.
As we entered the park, the rangers handed me a newsletter, which I read word-for-word. That’s how I roll. The first thing that caught my attention was a little article called, “A Fed Bear is a Dead Bear.” Of course, I realize the woods is not a petting zoo, but I was surprised to read about the importance of locking up all scented items in a bear locker.
According to the newsletter, bears are smart, resourceful, strong, hungry and have a highly developed sense of smell. Clearly, we are not talking about Dale, except for the part about being hungry. These are California black bears, and they will slaughter you for toothpaste. They had me at toothpaste, and I said, hey, Dale, be sure to put your ditty bag in the bear locker.
Nothing.
I keep reading. “Bears display aggressive behavior by showing their teeth, stomping their front feet, lowering their head and arching their back or charging toward you.” Again, we are not talking about Dale, except for the part about foot stomping. I repeat for Dale’s benefit, “It says a bear looking for toothpaste can slash through a tent or open a car like a sardine can. Please remember to put your ditty bag in the bear locker.”
Nothing.
The brochure continues. “If you see any of these behaviors, pick up children, stand tall, raise your arms and yell, ‘Bad Bear!’ Slowly back away.” I’m thinking this simple advice could be useful for dealing with human bears, so I tuck that away for later and read it aloud to Dale for greater impact.
Nothing.
“I wonder if you stand tall and yell ‘Good Bear!’ but in your bad bear voice, would it have the same effect?”
Dale wakes up from thinking about his favorite thing (happy hour?) and laughs. Humor always gets a reaction from him, but I can’t find the humor in being disemboweled by a bear.
Are you going to put your ditty bag in the bear locker?
What is this? You’ve asked me five times.
And I got zero responses. This is how conversation works. I say something, and you respond. Try it.
I hate it when you tell me what to do.
Yeah, well, it will suck when a bear rips open our tent and eats us alive. I do not want to be killed by a bear.
Oh, Donna. Seriously.
He thinks I’m overreacting, but he hasn’t read the newsletter! We drop the subject and get ready for dinner. We like to day hike and then return home to our luxurious base camp, where Dale cooks us up a delicious steak dinner accompanied by a lovely Cabernet Sauvignon from the Napa Valley. I’m starting to mellow as we sit by the campfire finishing off the wine and enjoying the peace and beauty of nature.
We clean up the campsite, putting the cooler in the car and disguising it with a blanket (bears know). I put our dry goods in the bear locker and stuff my cosmetic bag in there, too. Finally, it’s time for bed. We crawl into our zip-together sleeping bags and get all cuddly, and I’m thinking how lucky I am, what a good bear he is, when I remember the ditty bag.
Oh, Dale …
And from under the covers, I hear a growl. Then I see teeth.
YES. I PUT THE DITTY BAG IN THE BEAR LOCKER.
Great! Thanks!
Time for bear snuggles.