Most of us adapt to idiosyncrasies of the workplace to earn a living, but what happens to those behaviors when you retire? Do you still sound like the person from work, or is your inside voice blurring a bit with your outside voice?
My inside/outside voice conflict goes back many years, when an Army lieutenant alerted me to the possibility I might not need to say everything I think.
I was an enlisted journalist in the Army and worked in the Public Affairs Office at Ft. Bragg, N.C. We were part of the 18th Airborne Corps, which was often sent to global hotspots to assist in disaster relief. They’d usually send a journalist to help with press releases and such. I never got to go.
One day, I approached the lieutenant in charge and asked him why I wasn’t selected for these assignments. He said, “Pekar, it has something to do with what’s between your nose and your chin.”
Although I never did get asked to go, I managed to get out of the Army unscathed and eventually learned to keep my mouth shut, which was definitely career-enhancing.
Retirement reduced my exposure to annoying situations, but it’s hard to avoid them completely. I recently played golf with a woman who announced she was extremely sensitive to sounds. She had rabbit ears and could hear even the tiniest whisper, requiring absolute silence when it was her turn to play. Even the rustling of a potato chip bag was terribly disturbing to her.
I got paired with her again a few weeks later, and she got into a snit about scoring. Rules for the women’s golf club events are rather persnickety. We all keep each other’s score, and you have to capture that information at the end of each hole played.
Around the fourth hole, she got a little huffy about our process for swapping scores and announced her demands for how it would be done going forward.
Good thing I spent my career learning “advanced” communication skills to get through challenging scenarios without injury or lawsuits. Please select the best response:
A) Thank you for sharing that. Let’s collaborate when we get to the next hole and get some consensus on a win-win solution.
B) I appreciate your perspective – and to build on that – I recommend we circle the wagons on the next hole and get input from the rest of the team.
C) Great idea! Let’s pulse the team and see if everyone’s on board.
D) Who died and left you in charge?
I chose D, haunted by the voice from the ethics videos we used to watch, “That is not your best choice.” Still, shit like this goes on in my head all the time, but I’ve learned to suppress it. Even on the golf course, I allow myself to be bossed around because it’s easier than conflict.
When we got to the next hole, she said, “Did you just ask me who died and left me in charge?” I said, yes, I did. She never spoke another word to me.
I hope I wasn’t too much of a jerk, and I hope I’m not put to the test again any time soon. However, it’s kind of interesting how it turned out. I shot my best score ever. What’s up with that?
Bru-ha-ha hahaaa
A) annual ethics season has just begun
B) sarcasm thrives within me. When given a polygraph test, they ask ridiculous questions like, have you or would you be a part of any group or organization who actively work to subvert the democracy of the US government? I immediately have 18 answers, all bad ideas. Tongue bite. Noted.
Yes, I can hear the voice telling you, “That’s not your best choice.” I found that as I got closer to retirement, it became harder to hold it in, but I would tell myself, “Don’t retire until you retire.”
Did she ever tell you who died and left her in charge? LOLOL!!!!
Um, no, I don’t think she is speaking to me.
I bet the other golfers in your group got a chuckle out of that. Bravo to you:)
Thanks — we did end up having a good game without getting bossed around.
Your approach is much more effective. I would avoid the conflict and stew inside.
That’s what I usually do, but something came over me. Kind of a trite expression, but sometimes people who dish it out must learn to take it.
Oh, Donna, I hear you. Sometimes the ducks align and I can’t limit myself to Bill Engvall’s “Here’s your sign.” I’m not in the habit of blowing sunshine or smoke up the you-know-what. I have to remind myself of the following – Say what you mean; mean what you say; don’t say it mean.
I like that expression and will try to use it as my guide going forward. Thanks!
And that’s why you’re my hero! I totally agree that if one can dish it, one should be willing to take it as well. Power trip ahead….lol
Yes, sometimes they forget we’re trying to have fun out there.
Hi Donna! I congratulate you on speaking up for yourself. I am really working on that in my life because if I just “play nice” I find myself internalizing my frustration and that feels far worse. Plus, when it comes down to it, do you REALLY want to play/hang out with someone who is so controlling? I sure wouldn’t. Of course there are nicer ways we can all communicate…but the way I feel today is that it is far better to get it out than to hold it in. ~Kathy
Hi Kathy — I agree. It does feel worse to internalize the frustration. I think next time I would try a hybrid of my corporate approach and my fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants approach. Maybe just say something like, “I hear you, let’s resolve it together on the next hole.” On the other hand, sometimes these bossy people just have to poked! I will say this. There is no shortage of controlling people.