I used to enjoy regular massages, but it has been quite a few years since I indulged. Now that I’m retired, taking care of my body is a high priority, if not my full-time job, and I wanted to revisit the benefits of massage. My hair stylist told me about Renee, a massage therapist who works wonders with a monthly 90-minute session.
My first massage was last month. It was excellent but nothing out of the ordinary. I explained I had a mastectomy without reconstruction, and my chest is very tight. Renee dug in around my armpits, which was great because my surgery extended that far out, but she left my chest untouched.
When she was finished, I asked if next time she would be comfortable massaging my mastectomy scars directly. Of course, she said. Yesterday I went for my second massage, and it was a powerful experience.
Massage regulars know you typically start face down. Renee had already done my back and legs, and I’d flipped over so she could start on my front. As she was working on my arms and shoulders, I began to have thoughts about career disappointments. This is a subject I try to let go of, and mostly have, but sometimes the ghosts come back to haunt.
But then I started to feel the sadness of those disappointments leave my body, as though they were being purged. I felt calm and comfortable. Then she started working on my mastectomy scars – not just the armpits this time but the horizontal incisions where my breasts used to be. Renee dug deep, and I could feel the muscles relax.
I’ve always tried to be a trooper about life’s ups and downs and sometimes forget all I’ve been through with two bouts of cancer, but all of the sudden, I felt the pain and sadness of those experiences begin to float away. Not a purge this time but a gentle awakening of my body being healed.
Tears welled and then started sliding down my face. There I was, quietly sobbing as she worked on my mastectomy scars, but I never said a word. I didn’t want to break the spell. When Renee was done, she asked if I was OK, and I said yes. But I was better than OK. I felt released.
Afterward, as I sipped water in her kitchen, I tried to explain away the tears. Until that moment, I honestly thought I had no issues whatsoever about my experience with breast cancer, but in a trusting environment, her therapeutic touch stripped away my defenses, and I was able to acknowledge the pain and then let go.
Renee said massage can frequently rouse tears when there is physical or emotional trauma, and she wanted me to know she felt deeply connected to me as my tears started to flow.
So, wow, that one will be hard to top. But it makes me think more about the mind-body connection and its power to transform. I’ve never been good at meditation, but now I want to try again.
Part of me says, oh, it just felt good and you’re making too big a deal out of it. What do you think? Have you had any experiences like this with massage, meditation or something else? Do you think exploring the mind-body connection can help us recover from disappointments or trauma? Or maybe just improve the quality of our lives as we age?
Not that simply feeling good is a bad thing! If that’s all it is, I’ll take it.
My daughter is a massage therapist, and I have had a similar experience with her massages. I’ve felt this overwhelming sadness and then release at times. She has told me, too, that is natural. I find it amazing and sort of miraculous.
Angie — it does feel sort of miraculous. And with your daughter as the massage therapist — how cool is that?
A friend of mine had a full-body massage and started crying uncontrollably. She found herself remembering a rape that happened to her 15 years before. A rape she had totally blocked out of her memory. She had a lot to then go through in remembering, processing, then trying to get past. Her husband (now ex!) was not sympathetic. After a couple of weeks, he said, in effect, it was 15 years ago, so why are you making such a thing about it now?
So, not a pleasant thing to go through, but once she did she was so much more comfortable in herself.
Marlene — thanks so much for sharing that story. It really is amazing. I’m glad your friend found relief. Hopefully, from that husband, too!
The uncaring spouse story is just so awful. I started crying for no discernable reason during a massage session many years ago. It’s been so long ago that I don’t remember why or that I even knew why at the time. That was during a time when I was getting weekly massages for medical reasons, which the health insurance company paid for (thank you progressive Washington state).
Weekly masssages covered by health insurance — why can’t our politicians get behind that? The part about crying for no discernible reason actually does make sense to me. Just a way for your body to release stress.
Massage, shiatsu massage, Reiki, energy channel acupressure, and Yoga have all brought forth varying degrees of emotion and release. I’m a firm believer in the mind-body connection. I also believe that much disease is actually dis-ease. I have had very positive responses to these treatment modalities for vertigo, sciatic pain, back pain that a medical doctor would have been very quick to prescribe medication to treat the symptoms without addressing the cause.
I think you’ve captured the essence of it — emotion and release. When I got cancer the first time, I read “Love, Medicine and Miracles” by Bernie Siegel. Much of the book is about the mind-body connection and dis-ease. I strongly believe recognizing that connection and doing some difficult emotional work helped me survive. Thanks for sharing!
Yes! I have had those emotional releases during massage treatments too. Thankfully not too often – I know it’s nothing to be ashamed of – but still a part of me worries that the therapist will be concerned that I have tears running down my face, you know? Even though as you wrote, they are well aware that this can happen to clients.
I just signed on for a drug/dental/travel insurance benefits plan to replace the work one that I will lose when I retire. So excited that I will have $600/yr to spend on treatments such as massage therapy!!!
Deb
Yay! More massages!
I’ll tell you a little back story here. My husband was one of the first Shiatsu massage therapists in Sacramento and Auburn back in 1978. I had just finished graduate school for counseling and was studying with the Berkeley Psychic Institute( that will certainly date me if people know about that). Anyway, my husband always had people let go with his massages and he was quite the healer, as we used to say. I did lots of psychic readings and taught meditation( remember this is 1978) so it was certainly fringe, to say the least. In that same year, 1978, we opened “the earth and sky Shiatsu and healing center. Wow, that’s a long time ago. We had that for About 10 years and then he kept doing Shiatsu but in an office.
I’ve had the sudden, silent tears experience during acupuncture. I think it’s all these things people are talking about. And thus: healing. I wish everyone could be reached in this way, by massage or by something.
But the thing that jumped out at me about this essay was your mention of the ghosts of career disappointments. I remember reading Rock the Silver and being inspired by your warriorship with cancer, which I needed to hear. And then I would read about what seemed like an incredible career, and feeling in awe of how you used your post-cancer time to really get at it career-wise … and think, Well, I’m going to fall way behind her on that one. I frankly gave up on career, whatever that is, because the disappointments overwhelmed me. (Not to mention what seemed like serious insanity in most of the work places I’ve known, even the one that gifted me with a wonderful husband.) I have ba-a-a-a-d ghosts about it all. But you looked very successful to me on that front. So I guess that shows, once again, how different things look from inside your own skin than in the eyes of everyone else.
And maybe it also shows that we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. I did the best I could wherever I showed up for work. I paid my bills, made friends along the way that I still have, and didn’t steal from the till. These things are at least as important as any of the job titles on my resume, and none of those titles come close to the ones on YOUR resume! Possibly, we didn’t do so badly after all.
Hi Maru! So nice to hear from you, and thanks for the kind and reaffirming words. You are right, of course. I did have a very successful career. I’m probably being too hard on myself, as you suggest. When you were reading my other blog, I honestly thought I’d never retire. But one horrible job later, and everything was different. It wasn’t just a bad job, I’ve had those before, but I worked closely with a couple of truly nasty people who sucked my soul dry. The second bout of cancer also made me realize life is short. Better go for the gusto now. I am proud of what I accomplished, and now I call myself successful because I made enough money to retire, and then I did it! Thanks again for your thought-provoking comment!