It has been a weird couple of weeks. They’re calling this back thing sciatica resulting from a herniated disc. I’m calling it bullshit, but that’s me. Anyway, I can’t sit for very long, so that’s why I haven’t posted much lately.
The weather is miserable by my wussy California standards. We need the snow up in the mountains and the rain down here in the valleys and foothills, so this deluge is a great thing but rather miserable. I’m more of a drought kind of gal.
Continuing with the grumpy theme, I may as well report it has also been quite cold compared to the typical weather we see this time of year. I think the high today is 42 degrees. It may as well be zero.
The golf course is unplayable in terms of mud and lakes where there aren’t supposed to be any. Plus, I have to be desperate to play golf when it’s in the 40s. Even my 85-year-old diehard golf buddy who plays no matter what canceled for the week. Somehow, that made me feel better. But here I am, stuck in the house with my loving life partner, trying not to get mad about something or everything.
I can’t quite make myself go to the club and swim, even though the pool is heated. However, I have been walking every day. Seriously bundled up but walking nonetheless. Which reminds me of this song by Jesse Dayton: MAY HAVE TO DO IT (DON’T HAVE TO LIKE IT). Check it out. It’s a good song for these unprecedented times.
I got my first Social Security payment this month. That was fun. I do like to be on the receiving end of money. Forfeiting? Not so much. A guy I used to work with called to tell me about the sweet exit package he got for being forced to retire. I did not get that package.
However, two days earlier I heard that a big jerk I had to deal with had some sort of crisis and is no longer with the company. And justice finally caught up with an ex-boss who helped inspire me to exit the scene at a high rate of speed.
While I didn’t hang in there long enough to see it all go down, the fact that I worked with some particularly toxic people and walked away with a wonderful retirement sort of makes me feel like last man standing. I’m just not standing over there anymore.
I’m torn about physical therapy. I still believe in the Dr. Sarno approach, which assumes most pain is repressed anger and rage, and we must work hard to bring those feelings to the surface to make the pain subside. He thinks you should bypass anything that focuses on the body instead of the brain. Most of what I’ve read says time heals most sciatica. Not a lot of evidence that interventions help.
So, there’s that. Then there’s COVID. The therapist I saw last week had a droopy mask and when I suggested he get a better fit, he said, “That’s OK. I’m good.”
Yay for you, buddy. What about me???
Until Omicron passes, going back to the physical therapy place seems like high risk. Loose masks, people huffing and puffing, etc. I may go one more time to see if they can do some actual therapy instead of putting me through a battery of tests to see what hurts. Let me make this easy for you. Everything.
That leaves me with an upcoming haircut. I’ve been loving my new hair and want to keep it up. I know my stylist is fully vaccinated, boosted, masked and careful. Others will be wearing masks as well, and I’m thinking I could probably get in and out pretty fast.
Fucking COVID. While I did have some drama in my childhood and beyond, with the help of professional counseling, I worked through most of those issues the first time I had cancer. I’ve had a few other ah-ha moments of late, and I am grateful for that bit of introspection, but I think this stress is related to the pandemic.
I know I have it easy compared to many, and I am beyond grateful for all my good fortune. Like everyone else, I miss my old life, but I have this sense something has fundamentally changed, and there’s no going back.
Anyway, this is as long as I’ve been able to sit in quite some time, so maybe I am getting better. I did express anger, didn’t I? Still can’t quite summon the rage. There’s plenty of that going around. Honestly, I don’t think rage needs me. Maybe I can get away with just being a little pissed off.
Hi Donna,
yeah, we’re snowed in over here for the most part too and cant even get down to walk at the park so it definetely sucks. I just wanted to add my two cents about your sciatica , body pain and the body holding that in some anger / whatever some how. Let me give you my background which, all this is very personal to me but here goes, for 25 years I taught meditation, spiritual healing, psychic healing, the whole enchilada. Auras, chakras, the body stuff etc. Then when I was diagnosed in 2005,well before actually, I thought I can heal this, the whole body thing can do it with the mind. Well, this is what I learned. That is all bullshit. Total BS. The body does respond to stress etc and there is meditation for that but whatever your sciatica issue is I’m guessing is a physical medical condition that is going to need you working on that physically. I’m not saying it isn’t a bad idea to reflect on how this happened or even perhaps your need to push yourself but whatever happened is a physical body issue. I think one can get very metaphysical about these things when in reality the facts are what speak to us. Looking at your behaviors that lead to this might also help give you a chance to deal with things differently. I think getting into the holding the anger in or is repressed anger doesnt serve any purpose except to feel either guilty or confused but it. You are VERY self aware and I doubt there is any more ‘repressed’ stuff than what we all probably have that is normal life shit.
My two cents for what it’s worth.
Dear Christina — I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to share your story. I’ve been kind of thinking something along the same lines, but you explained it better than I could have. Seriously, I can’t imagine there’s anything left to dredge up! What you said made me think back to my own cancer experience. A lot of people said I got better because of my positive thinking. I never bought that. I always said there are plenty of people with a positive attitude who didn’t make it. I don’t think I ever told you my dear friend, Barbara, had multiple myeloma in her 30s. She was super-positive, but she passed away anyway. This was before they had some of the medicines that have helped you.
Anyway, positive thinking didn’t hurt me. With good medical care, either way you win. So, I will continue to sort this out. Never abandoning the role our minds can play, because I do believe there’s a connection. But it’s not all there is.
Thanks again for your insights.
Hi, Donna – If it helps, our weather is totally weird here (on Vancouver Island) as well. This is the first White Christmas that our section of the Island has had since 2009. And the snow keeps on coming! I just saw a weather alert flash on my phone — but I’ve been too afraid to look.
I am so sorry about your back pain.
And COVID – like everyone else, I am well and truly OVER IT!
Sending positive vibes your way.
Thanks for the positive vibes! Strange weather, indeed. Happy New Year to you.
I love your writing, sense of humor and attitude. If I may I would like to tell you what happened with my agonizing sciatica. Just in case you might be in a similar situation.
I was a regular chiropractic patient but had moved a three-hour drive from my wonderful chiropractor. Seeking treatment, I would drive 3 hours, get treated, feel better and by the time I drove 3 hours home, I was in agony. My doctor said I could stand up or lay down but not sit as that was aggravating the problem. Eventually I sought a chiropractor nearer to my home. When one initially sees a chiropractor, in my experience, their x-rays are taken with the patient standing up. which shows them the alignment of the spine as it actually as at that moment. I was also seeing an MD who took x-rays with me laying down. That doctor could not see any problems indicated in the x-rays. I also went to physical therapy twice a week for over a year and half. Nothing helped. I started with the new chiropractor and he took x-rays with me standing up and called me to look at them. I had had several back injuries over the years. The new chiropractor found the problem and pointed it out. The
tip of my tail bone was just a bit twisted and this was pinching a nerve. He did one treatment and a follow-up the following week and I was cured. This was 20 years ago. My point is that if you have the type of problem that I had, the MD won’t be able to detect it when you are laying flat. The standing x-ray will show it because you are standing in a way that pinches it and it’s obvious. I am not trying to send you to a chiropractor but I am suggesting that you have someone take an x-ray of you standing and examine that area. The pain is probably causing the grumpy rather than the grumpy causing the pain. At least you could find out. I also learned that twisting (golf swing?) is really hard on this area of the spine. Best of luck to you in your recovery.
I believe you’re right — the pain is causing the grumpy, rather than the grumpy causing the pain. I’ll have to go back and look at the report, but I think the x-rays were taken standing up. MRI was lying down. Regardless, this is great information to add to my repository, and I thank you for sharing it. I would be thrilled to find a solution that holds up for 20 years. Congratulations to you!
As a woman who suffers constantly from chronic physical pain I’m gonna call bullshit and hope I don’t offend you. Physical pain is often just that. And it’s also our body trying to tell us somethings wrong, as is fever. Which never happens for no reason. I’ve spent a lot of time in PT, doing self care at home and modifying and doing things differently to lesson the pain. I’m about as mellow and laid back hippie type as exists and could tell what suppressed rage felt like. Lol.
No offense taken. I put it out there, we start a discussion, and it’s all good. I’m inclined to believe it’s mostly physical with mind-body connection thrown in for good measure. We’ll see how it shakes out.
Donna, I feel for you. I’ve had sciatic pain that brought me to tears. Relief came from a practitioner who practiced acupressure or touch for health. I never really understand what she does, some kind of magic that works on the body’s energy channels. I’ve gone to her crying with pain and left crying with relief. I’ve also had relief from a massage therapist who manipulated that hip joint and released the sciatic nerve which is the size of your thumb. I think a holistic approach is called for and one thing affects another. Trust that relief will come.
I used to see a great massage therapist, but she turned out to be an anti-vaxxer. Argh. I like the idea of a holistic approach. Might be time to find a new massage therapist.
I have a lot of chronic pain issues, too (frozen big toes: way more trouble than you would expect; plus most of my joints, in fact). The thing that has brought me the most relief over the last 20 years is deep tissue massage (well, that and GREAT shoes). But during COVID I cannot wrap my head around going into a small massage room (which never have windows so no fresh air), and being worked on for an hour by someone who is exerting energy. Nope.
I think you are on the right track not to give up walking. I’ve been bad about that over the last month or so and I definitely feel more pain when I’m idle. I live in a cold, wet climate, though, so I’ve been a baby about going out in it. New Year should see me back in my old walking mode.
Yes, as I mentioned to Mona, I had a great massage therapist, but she wouldn’t get vaccinated, so I stopped going. You made me laugh about being a baby in the cold. That is so me, but I’m making myself do it.
Sorry you are in such pain, but this was quite a humorous post. Stand up comedy side gig?
Ha — so clever of you to suggest stand-up since I can’t sit down! Although that is improving. Glad you enjoyed the humor. Sometimes a little pain quiets the self-censoring, which is always good for writing.
Many comments here about pain and bullshit, so I can only add ditto.
I will say I am a fair-weather girl. It’s cold, rainy and gray. Whaaaaaa.
Crying right along with you.