Category: Simple Pleasures

Many of you considering retirement will choose to stay where you are and “age in place.” I say go for it, if you can! We had no ties to our previous community and needed to move to a more affordable housing market. To help us decide where to live after retirement, I created a spreadsheet with 21 columns, and we factored in everything from air quality and healthcare to walkability and distance to Whole Foods. We did not account for snakes.

The possibility of encountering snakes came as a complete surprise when we were welcomed by our representative at the homeowner’s association. Oh, just one thing, she confided, in the spring you might see a rattlesnake in your garage! At first, I thought she meant there was one rattlesnake that occasionally gets out and visits the neighbors, perhaps someone’s pet with a name. Oh, be sure to watch out for Mr. Slithers! She meant rattlesnakes, plural.

I was calm until a few days later in October, which is not in the spring, and I saw a snake in the garage. Actually seeing a snake squirming around our garage was more of a surprise than hearing one might live next door.

Once I saw the snake, I ever so slowly retreated and made my way back into the house. I said Dale, um, there’s a snake in the garage. He’s all manly and says, oh, let’s just go see what all the fuss is about. He grabs a broom and starts looking but doesn’t see it. All of the sudden, I said, there! For the record, I did not scream. It was the kind of “there” you say when you’re right and he is wrong.

Dale suddenly sees the snake and screams. But after a moment, he remembers feeling manly, so he said, oh, it’s just a little garden snake. I’m like, are you sure? It’s not a rattler? No, he said, and he gingerly used the broom to shew Mr. Slithers out into the driveway.

After that, I avoided the garage. Seriously, I didn’t need anything out there anyway. I Googled rattlesnakes, so I would know exactly what they look like. I also read up on what to do if you encounter a snake of any variety and what to do if a snake bites you. Don’t cut yourself and suck out the blood. Do get to the hospital right away, because you will probably live.

I kept all this to myself, but then the damn broke on the way to the grocery store. I get in the car, and it’s like truth serum. I said, you know, we probably made a mistake buying this house.

What? Are you smoking crack? It’s great! We love it here!

But that was before I knew we lived in snake country.

We do not live in snake country. 

Snake country! How did we not know? The thing is, I’m over it already. Now it’s our little joke. And we love it here, we love our home, we love the community. I was not going to let snakes ruin my retirement – do you hear that snakes? You don’t own me! To be fair, it has been quiet since that first siting. I mean, here it is January, and I haven’t seen another one.

Probably resting up for spring.

In the meantime, here are the 21 columns:

1. State
2. State taxes
3. County
4. Town
5. Population
6. Home prices
7. State-wide smoking ordinance
8. Medical cannabis
9. Miles to ocean
10. Miles to Whole Foods
11. Miles to commissary (retired military)
12. Miles to airport
13. Healthcare
14. Average summer lows over 60 degrees
15. Air quality
16. AARP Livability Score
17. Walkability
18. Golf
19. Wineries
20. Public transit
21. Other amenities
22. Snakes

I think one reason people are often unhappy in their jobs is the lack of control. For many, you are at the mercy of The Man, and you don’t realize the toll that takes until it’s gone. One of the best things about retirement has been the absence of what felt like constant electric prods – an email, a phone call, an IM, some executive or somebody somewhere is unhappy and needs something now. Drop everything!

Stress and even mind-numbing activity can be stimulating, but life without the prods makes me happy. It’s like there’s extra space in my brain. I love simple pleasures and having time to explore whatever I fancy. Breakfast with my husband, sharing sections of the newspaper. The library! Shopping for groceries in the middle of the day in the middle of the week. A crossword puzzle or a good book. Long walks and sunshine. Happy hour at 4.

To be fair, I should mention a couple of things about retirement I don’t like. For starters, I feel like the house elf. My husband does chores, but he really needs to be on a performance improvement plan. Stupidly, I signed up for floors – all the floors in the house, so that includes mopping and vacuuming. I probably need to renegotiate that deal.

Clutter and dirt screams out at me now that I am not at work all day. It’s in my face! I’m getting used to cleaning more, and I figure it’s good for me to keep moving. Housework is movement, after all.

Trips to Target are more complicated. I used to go by myself. Now, I say, hey, I’m going to Target, and my husband says, “Oh, yay, road trip.” Well, it was not exactly an invitation. We’ve reached a truce. If it’s a task-oriented trip all about hunting it down, killing it with a credit card and dragging it back home, fine, come along. But if I want to wander, I set expectations early. You can wander with me, but do not mess with my Target run.

The other surprise was anxiety. I’ve always been somewhat of a worry wart, but most of my energy was directed at work. I had very little time to let my mind drift to all the things that can go wrong. Suddenly I had a bunch of free time to think about the worst that could happen.

For example, we moved when I retired, and for a couple of months, we owned two houses. I would ruminate in bed at night: What if North Korea bombs us, and nobody buys our house? My husband was like, if North Korea bombs us, I assure you the house will be the least of our worries. But I would dig deeper. What if it’s just a mini-attack, the kind that dampens the market but doesn’t destroy civilization? Could we still sell the house?

Of course, the house did sell, and that was a relief. I still think about North Korea, but at least I only have one mortgage.