Today marks 12 weeks since I fell and fractured my proximal humerus. That’s up there near the shoulder, so some may call it a broken arm, and some may call it a broken shoulder. I call it absolute misery.
But it’s weird that today is my accidentversary, because the pain is now minimal, I’m sleeping better and I woke up today feeling, I don’t know, brighter? On this exact day. I have not been in a good place emotionally, but something lifted. Maybe it just takes 12 weeks to feel human again after a fall like that.
Prior to my accident, and prior to my husband’s accident, which preceded mine, I seemed to be breezing through retirement. Although I like to read and cook and create art, the bulk of my time is typically spent walking, swimming and playing golf. And all those have been pretty much off the table for three months.
Although I can walk just fine, I learned the hard way the shoulder goes through some serious movement when you walk and let your arms swing naturally. For an injury like mine, that means you can’t just walk and burn off all your frustration on the footpaths.
One of my shorter routes is about two miles. I wear my sling when I start and then take it off at various junctures. I’m now doing about half of it without the sling and improving fast. I expect to walk the full two miles slingless within a couple of weeks. And this might be a pipe dream, but I’m thinking once I can do the two miles regularly without pain, I can increase my mileage and maybe even hike.
I tell you this not because it’s all about me. Think of it as a public service announcement. Nothing is permanent. Change is inevitable. Do your best to stay safe, but be prepared for hard times. We just have to keep evolving. I’m not saying I’ve been good at it, but knowing what I know now, I’ll be better at it next time. And no, I’m not planning to fall again, but there’s always a next time when it comes to bad shit raining down.
Honestly, I still feel a little lost. I’m giving a lot of thought to how I spend my time. Who I spend it with. How I present myself to the world. I’m still happy to be retired, but I feel like I need to recalibrate. You know, when you’re in the car, and you’re using the map but you take a different route, and that woman’s voice says, “Recalibrating! Recalibrating!” That’s what I’m hearing.
In one baby step forward, I FINALLY donated the last of my professional wardrobe. I had some gorgeous suits and skirts that have been sitting there for eight years.
One day I just did it, and it was liberating. Skirts be gone.
As far as how I present myself to the world, I’ve never been one to seek the male gaze, but now that I’m over 70 and invisible, it’s easier than ever to avoid that whole scene. And yes, I realize rapists and serial killers will go after anyone, but the routine sexual harassment that comes from just being young and female – well, those days are over, and I couldn’t be happier.
Throughout my life, I’ve made an effort to look the part, to fit in. Well, for the most part anyway. But with all the mysogynist rhetoric coming from the right, and so many women falling in line to look younger and sexier, I feel zero interest in living up to anyone’s ideals of what I should look like. Or how I should behave.
Fun times ahead.
Dale and I were talking the other day, and I said, you know, I feel lucky I was never sexually assaulted. There were a few times when that was a real possibility. Isn’t that something? That we have to be grateful we weren’t raped? I realize that politically speaking, women are just as vicious, and certainly some of them are sexual predators, but what is up with all these men?????
On the lighter side, I thoroughly enjoyed The Fourth Consort by Edward Ashton. It’s a fun science fiction novel, not the Dystopian drama that these days seems too real to be read as entertainment. Ashton also wrote Mickey7, which I have not read but plan to. There’s a relatively recent movie based on the book called Mickey17.
I almost went to the theater to see Project Hail Mary, another science fiction story that isn’t so bleak, but I said almost. I loved the book and look forward to seeing the movie when it starts streaming.
While I still can’t play golf, there’s a tournament next week in my women’s club, so I thought I’d go out and help. They will need cookies, so I’m going to get started on those this weekend. I like to make the decorated kind with royal icing, and those can take days to fully dry. But they’re fun to make and so cute and delicious.
I might go through the cookie cutters today and see what piques my interest. I have insects. Ladybug, dragonfly, etc. That sounds like spring does it not?
What a great post today! I especially liked your 6th paragraph: “ I tell you this not because it’s all about me. Think of it as a public service announcement. Nothing is permanent. Change is inevitable. Do your best to stay safe, but be prepared for hard times. We just have to keep evolving…
Kind of like I’ve learned to keep adapting. Different side of the same coin.
I put up with a lot of sexual harassment when I was younger, growing up in SoCal and all. I will give men the benefit of the doubt in that they thought that their comments were compliments and it was just the way they were “trained” to treat women back in the 60s and 70s. In my early 40s I transferred to Ann Arbor, MI to a subsidiary of the company I worked for and found blessed relief from all the polite, Midwestern men who worked there. I don’t know what went through their minds when they looked at women, but they had the class not to say it out loud. I felt respected for the first time in my working life.
And I have mostly found being older and invisible a great gift. No one is paying attention to you and there’s wonderful freedom in that. It’s only annoying when dealing with some people in the medical profession (not my PCP who is a geretonologist) who thinks you’re probably senile, or, when standing at the deli counter and someone younger comes up beside you and the person behind the counter, who has seen you standing there, ignores you and “tries” to wait on the other person first. I say tries, because I remind him or her that I was there first.
Lastly, I had cataract surgery earlier in the year and for the first time in years, could really see myself in the mirror when getting ready for the day. I told my husband that for years now, when I’ve looked in the mirror, I have seen my mother looking back at me, but now…I see my grandmother looking back at me. Who knew I had so many wrinkles? Or broken blood vessels (English/Irish heritage) and sun discoloration from my youthful years on the beach? It’s definitely worth the better vision though, mostly without needing glasses now. My dermatologist did have to burn off some youthful sun worshiping souvenirs from my ears this month. Now I make sure that I put sunblock on my ears too when I put it on my face and neck in the morning. Sometimes it seems like there’s a cost to pay for every pleasure.
So happy to “feel” your mojo coming back. And thanks for the mention of Alisa. As a resident of NM, I’m going to check out her Substack account.
I never worked in the Midwest but encountered some level of harrassment everywhere else I went. The worst was in the Army, but I guess that’s not a surprise.
The invisibility cloak is an unexpected gift!
I’ve been getting facials every six weeks, but since I fell, I stopped, and now I really don’t miss them. I was also a sun worshiper, but my dermo said that was one area where I got lucky.
I hope you find Alisa’s work valuable. It can be hard to take, but she is like a rabid dog after the truth.
A friend of mine is a therapist who currently focuses on victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault. She will share some things with our friend’s group to let off steam. And, yes it is scary to be grateful I’ve never experienced either.
It is also scary to realize how much of our country is being “managed” by old, white, rich men who only want more money, more power. And will do anything to get it, including destroying our country. I’m trying to avoid too much of the news but it’s so scary.
To leave you on a positive note, yeah for making cookies! I am very much looking forward to getting into my house and having a fully functional kitchen again. But I’ve never done the royal iced cookies!
You nailed it. I’ve recently started seeing the word neoliberalism to describe what’s happening.
I’m going to make the dough as soon as I’m done here. Yay for cookies. I hope you get into your house soon. Talk about evolving and adapting. You’ve had quite the journey.
Glad you are doing and feeling better. Enjoy your cookie making and being around your golf buddies.
Really age does creep up on us and with it our perspectives certainly do change.
Grateful not to have been raped, ditto (!) and for reasonably good health. In my mid 70’s, that is not to be taken for granted. We have two funerals to attend in the next 4 days…an older friend and a younger sibling. 😥
While I don’t think our taste in books is exactly the same, I have two recommendation that you might try, if you get to the bottom of your stack…first The Correspondent and second, The Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen – 83 1/4 Years Old, by Graeme Simsion. I believe that both are in the works to be made into movies, which shows how popular they have been. I just started the second one and find it very interesting that this book, which is about an elderly man who lives in assisted living in the Netherlands is by a man from New Zealand, who currently lives in Australia!
Both books give a little insight into this aging process, where older people are assumed to become less and less visible. I for one think it is helpful to see a little preview from those running ahead of us. 😂
Cheers,
Jackie
I truly am grateful for the opportunity to age, but it’s hard to see the body decline. Thanks for the book recommendations! It’s always good to see what’s coming …
Love your whimsy and seriousness sll wrapped up together.
Thank you. I’m starting the cookies today.
Interesting and thought provoking post. Glad to hear that you and Dale are getting back to feeling better. A long haul, right? I admire that you are taking on the cookies with royal icing. Yum! So many topics worthy of discussion. I noticed that the males have not chimed in..yet. As women, we have dealt with too many issues because of our gender, and I know from being a therapist in pre-retirement days, 1 in 4 have been assaulted and that’s a low estimate. It’s overwhelming to read the number of abuses just going on with our politicians. Even though I know the answer, I still find myself saying why..why..why?! Back to baking cookies, and taking those walks. Go girl!
Btw, hubs and I were out with the fantastic crowd protesting No Kings Day. It was great!
1 in 4, wow.
Glad to hear your No Kings Day experience was great! We went to Roseville mall, which was also good. Some of the signs are hilarious.
Yes, signs were so good and funny.. we were at the Galleria. Did you see the bagpiper? Loved it! Quite a friendly upbeat group of protesters.
LOVED the bagpiper!!
I missed reading this one somehow, but your thoughts on recalibration are too well made to skip over – your observation about a 12 week period being necessary to recover from the mental/emotional aspect of having a fall especially. After I headbutted the road last year, I spent a lot of time and energy in dismissing it publicly, but there’s no doubting things have changed for me since that time. I spent a long time quietly and privately fearful, but eventually moved into acceptance of change being required, and now focus more on practical aspects and prevention.
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling lost, and I hope that situation has improved since you wrote this, I just wanted to acknowledge that you’re not alone in feeling this way. Life has been and is changing, and transitions are buggers to navigate. But I don’t doubt that we’ll keep on keeping on and will find our way there.
Thank you so much for this note. It seems like such a small accident compared to having cancer twice, but it was been life-changing in precisely the ways you describe. The fear is the worst.
I am definitely emerging from the funk, although some days are better than others.